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In Fletcher’s Honor
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In Fletcher’s Honor
by Geoffrey Jones
So I’m here again at The Raven waiting
For my wife to join me for dinner… The
Bar is a little slow tonight… It seems that
The world hasn’t quite gotten back up to
Speed since masks became a vital part
Of everyday living… My favorite waiter
Fletcher passed away last month… Like
So many others he couldn’t catch his breath…
The place isn’t the same without him… The
New guy behind the bar is named Edward…
He’s a nice enough guy for sure… But he’s
No Fletcher…
I order a Martini… It’s my pain killer of
Choice… Sometimes a Martini is my
Appetizer, entrée, and dessert, depending
On the mood I’m in… But I’ll save my
Wife from the boorishness and the slurred
Speech… I’ll take it easy tonight…
It’s at times like these… Alone and idle…
That I often find myself talking to you
Know who… The Commander in Chief…
No, I’m not freakin’ crazy…It’s not some
Earth to Mars connection…And I don’t
Believe in UFO’s… But God does tend
To pop in for a chat from time to time…
And most especially when I’m here… At
The Raven Grill… And when He shows
Up I listen…
God: “So tell me Geoff, are you pleased
with yourself?”
Me: “What d’ya mean?”
God: “Well, you’re moping around and don’t
seem to be having much fun. What can I do for
ya?”
Me: “I dunno know. I’m aware that the clock
is ticking. It’s a quarter till midnight if you
know what I mean.”
God: “Of course I know what you mean. I’m
God for Christ’s sake. Wake up.”
Me: “Well the whole goddamned world is
falling apart.”
God: “Watch your language, Geoff.”
Me: “Sorry about that. Anyway, are you
paying attention to what’s going on down
here?”
God: “Paying attention? Are you kidding me?
I set everything in motion.”
Me: “You mean to tell me that you’re
responsible for all this. The disease, the
wars, good versus evil. All this stuff?”
God: “Nope. You’re responsible. I provided
you with options.”
Me: “I was afraid you were gonna say that.
Hey, give me a second to clear my thoughts.”
God: “Take all the time you need.”
Man, I wish I had a smoke… Nasty habit that
I kicked years ago but sometimes I get the urge
To light one up… A Martini and a cigarette
Are the perfect match…Edward sees my glass
Is empty and begins to shake another see-thru
Without asking if I want it… His intuition is
Right…
I sip the drink and mull over my options…
Do I eat the olive now or wait until the last
Drop of vodka is gone… Life is filled with
Tough decisions like this… It’s my choice…
I once dated a girl who asked me if I would
Convert… We might have had a future
Together but I told her “no”… Conversion
To me seemed like shopping at Neiman’s
For a better version of God… As houses of
Worship often become discount stores where
Salvation is sold by clerics who forgot why
They were there to begin with…When you
Get right down to it God is God no matter
The brand or flavor… And all the rest of this
This stuff is background noise and window
Dressing… I made my choice… I exercised
My option…
God: “Excuse me Geoff… Welcome back.
You’ve had plenty of time to gather your
thoughts.”
Me: “Oh. Sorry. I lost track. It’s easy to do.”
God: “I know. I know. It seems like it was
only yesterday that I created the universe. Now
that was a helluva project, let me tell ya.”
Me: “Look, here’s the deal. My bones ache.
The stock market’s a mess. There are things
to do. Places to visit. Apologies to be made
to people I’ve hurt.”
God: “Jesus, stop your whining. Don’t be
a jerk. Do you know how lucky you are?
Take a look around?”
Me: “Yeah, but…”
God: “There’s no ‘yeah, but’ to it. Your life is
the result of the choices you made. Deal with it.”
Me: “Yeah, but…”
God: “Did you hear what I said? I’ve had
enough of this already.”
Edward: “Geoff, you okay. You look pale.”
Me: “I do? I was lost in thought. You don’t
wanna know what I was thinking?”
Edward: “Didn’t mean to pry.”
Me: “No worries.”
My cell phone rings. I’m certain it’s my wife.
God: “Are you gonna pick that up, or what?”
Me: “Hello. Is that you? You running late?”
Wife: “Traffic. I’m fifteen minutes away. See ya’
soon. Order me a Cosmo.”
Me: “Okay. Keep it in the road.”
Hmm… There’s no sign of God… Where’d
He go… Maybe He’s using the men’s room…
Or there’s a good chance I pissed Him off and
He’s had enough of me for the day…
Edward slides another drink in front of me…
So much for moderation… My table manners
And speech will suffer tonight… But my wife
Will grit her teeth and bear it… I hope without
A scene…
There’s an attractive middle-aged blond sitting
At the bar just a few seats away… She’s dripping
In diamonds and wearing a sequined MAGA cap…
Quite the fashion statement, I suppose… She
Smiles in my direction… Lucky me… But my
Libido’s been in lockdown for years… And I’ve
Got enough on my plate without fouling off wild
Pitches in the bottom of the ninth… Settle down
Big boy… Use your brains…
Damned MAGA cap… When exactly did
We stop being great… Beats me… I shiver
And shake… My mind wanders…
*****
And the perp with the orange hair and
Jump suit waves a magic wand over a
Top hat and produces a dead rabbit from
Within… Political prestidigitation… It’ll
Keep you on your toes… LMAO at this
Three ring circus…
As a man bereft of honor or virtue claims
That “I alone can fix it”… And indeed he
Has… He’s fixed outcomes and results
That run contrary to tradition and the most
Noble of our convictions… It’s the Big
Orange that needs fixing…
And there might not be a way back from
Here… As invertebrates and deplorables
Pay homage to the autocrat with extra wide
Pants… And exceptionally long neck ties
That obscure a midsection of seismic
Proportion that implodes beneath the
Weight of its own deceit…
And in the end, you are what your rap
Sheet says you are…
*****
God returns from the men’s room…
God: “For Christ’s sake Geoff. What are
you worrying about that guy for? I’ve got
my eye on him. I’ve got a lien on his soul.”
Me: “Wow. That’s extreme. But you get
what you deserve, I guess.”
God: You got that right. So, Geoff, what am
I gonna do with you?”
Me: “Well to be honest, I could use a little
direction. All this religious stuff and the politics
have me scratching my head. Oy, the bickering.
Everybody hates everyone else.”
God: “Yeah. It looks pretty bleak. Not to
worry, though. I have everything figured out.
All this chaos is a distraction, but I’ll have
Things cleaned up in a year or two.”
Me: “What about now? What am I supposed
to do in the meantime?”
God: “That’s easy. Do your best.”
Me: “You cannot be serious. That’s the sum
total of your wisdom? That’s it?”
God: “Hey, mind your manners. What did you
expect me to say?”
Me: (silence)
God seems to be losing patience with me.
God: “I’ll see ya’ here again next week. Don’t
be late. And check the cynicism at the door.
Do you copy?”
Me: “Understood.”
Edward returns with another see-thru and a cup
Of black coffee which I slowly sip… It tastes
Awful but it must be endured… My wife gets
Pretty testy when I start to speak in tongues…
She approaches the bar… I greet her with a kiss…
Edward delivers a Cosmo right on cue… We toast
Each other… We toast Edward… And the three of
Us toast Fletcher… RIP…
God: “Be of good cheer.”
Me: “And you as well.”
Wife: “What did ya’ say, hon?”
Me: “Nothing. Not a thing.”
I slowly retrieve an olive from the bottom of
a slender glass…
Like everything else, it’s a choice I make.
It’s my option after all…